I am a mermaid

Yes, Layne is handsome and rugged and can build things out of wood

So I met Layne Maheu about five years ago, when we were both at Book Expo in DC for our first books. His was about a bird, mine about a trapeze girl wearing wings, which made/makes us practically soulmates. And by “about a bird” I mean that Layne’s book, Song of the Crow, is about a crow, who narrates the book and tells the story of Noah’s Ark.

It’s not nothing, writing a novel from the perspective of a bird.

Listen:

“Fly off!

“Fly!”

It was our mother. But from where? Where? Who could tell with the wind chasing her calls?

I saw her, a few trees away. She appeared on one branch, then another, then in an altogether different tree. But it was just the yes and no of the wind heaving her perch and whipping her feathers into a confusion of leaves. Why didn’t she swoop onto the nest and stuff food into us?

“Fly!” she kept calling.

“Fly!”

So what choice did we have? Though I’d never left the deep of the nest, I reluctantly climbed up to the fatal jump. There was no way we could survive it, but Our Many must have known there was no way we’d survive the falling of Our Giant either. And to die at least trying, even though you couldn’t fly yet, was a way to fly off to the Tree of the Dead. Any death before that was no death at all, but only a quick flight into whatever fate befell you—flies and maggots and stiff feathers and dust. The only way to become a true crow was to fly. Until then you were nothing, without a name; flying was all.

As you can see, it’s a strange, gorgeous novel that you should read immediately.

So as I’ve clearly demonstrated, Layne knows something about imagining other worlds and alien perspectives, and is kind of (awesomely) weird as well as being rugged and handsome and gentlemanly enough to snowshoe with winter-sport-challenged authoresses on snowy Vermont literary festival excursions, when everyone else was off obnoxiously skiing and said authoress did not want to die.

For this reason it seemed only natural for him to meditate on the mermaid, which he graciously does below.

Half-land, Half-Sea Beauty
by your friend, Layne

I like mermaids like I like walking along the beach or looking out over the ocean on a weathery day. It’s strange to look out over the sea, and know that, under its waves, it is completely uninhabitable to you. Left on your own, you would die out there, in the cold sea currents and the briney green bubbles, within a matter of minutes.

And so, I like the notion of a half-human, half-sea creature, living down under the waves, especially one with obvious overtones of sex and tragedy.

Life from the sea is so different from us. It’s strange to think that a certain type of vegetarian won’t eat a bunny or a rabbit or a chicken, but will eat a fish. Perhaps because the land creature has things like eyes and feelings and babies and a heart. And land animals have these things in ways we can recognize. But life in the sea is so alien to us. It’s harder to empathize with a fish. Even though I’ve read that fish have feelings and a complicated social life and a good memory, still, these qualities just don’t translate. So, if you put a sea creature on the plate of a certain type of vegetarian, the pesca-tarian will eat the fish/crustacean/mollusk without compunction.

We just don’t get it—the life of a fish.

There’s something too different about them—such complete otherness—they’re cold, they’re scaly, they’re slimy, they’re wet. They’re smelly.  In a way they seem more foreign to us than plants. Yet, every human, every mammal, begins its life in the salt water of its momma’s belly. We start out just like a fish. So I think there is a yearning in us, a psychic desire in the DNA of our imaginations, to envision the Mermaid:

the half-land, half-sea beauty.

She swims up and sings to us between these two worlds, where our desire can go no further upon the shore.

So I came across the glamorous Raina the Halifax Mermaid (who’s known in her human guise as Stephanie) on Facebook, which has been instrumental in bringing together mermaids from around the world and cementing “mermaiding” culture. And you thought Facebook was just a way to cheat on your spouse with your high school crush!  But really, the only way to be a mermaid a couple of decades ago, before you could buy realistic-looking tails and before you could go online to find your tribe, was to head to Weeki Wachee or star in a mermaid film. Now there’s a whole mermaid culture out there, with men and women wearing tails, taking to the waters and embracing their more magical selves. Raina is a gorgeous example, and, like many mermaids, she’s committed to ocean conservation and education. Not to mention general sparkling gorgeousness and the well placed rhinestone.

Our Q and A follows.

You say on Facebook that you’ve always been “inspired by mermaids and seeing other young women use a mermaid identity as a way to educate and bring joy to others.” What women inspired you to embrace your own mermaid identity?
Like many young women I was inspired by Hannah Fraser [read this blog’s interview with Hannah here]. I sort of always knew I wanted to make something like this happen but not until the internet opened up my world did I believe it  to be possible. When I found Hannah I really resonated with her. I am also a musician, model, photographer, and an artist. I always felt like I had a “lot going on” and being a mermaid was a great way to streamline those interests – Hannah was proof of that. I did some scoping for buying a tail and came across the Annette Kellermen story and wow what a lady! She was really the first person to be a mermaid and she really broke down walls for women just by wearing the type of bathing suit she wore and being so well known for her swimming in a time when women were considered not equal and any good thing they did was always attributed to the man in her life. Suddenly being a mermaid didn’t just speak to the artist or activist in me… it spoke to my feminist core and the wheels started turning!

How does that identity differ from your regular, human one?
Stephanie is a student teacher who has wicked bad health problems, a bit of emotional baggage, not the bravest in the bunch, pretty clumsy, and feels stifled creatively on a regular basis.  Raina on the other hand is calm and collected. She’s graceful and focused on her goals and under the water her health rarely holds her back. Raina gives me a confidence I’ve never really known and the ability to share so much with so many. Through Raina I’ve met and made more real friends then I ever did as Stephanie and perhaps that’s because Raina is just an outward expression of my true inner-self. The gap between the two is closing though and Raina and Stephanie are becoming one and the same. I’m starting to realize it’s not the fin that makes the mermaid- it’s her spirit!

Have you always loved mermaids?
I grew up in an abusive home and was very separated from the outside world.  I only really had a younger sister and our imaginations. The year she was born the Little Mermaid came out. While most people resonated with the love story I always projected my feelings about abuse on the movie. Ariel’s father yelled at her and was mean (in my eyes) and scary. Yet she still found the courage to break away from him and do something for herself that no one ever felt possible. I clung to that as a child. Fairy-tales were my escape. I saw Splash some years later and like many mers out there it inspired me as well. Mermaids seemed so brave and willing to venture out into the unknown. My love for mermaids went hand in hand with my love of the sea.

How did it feel to put on a tail for the first time? What’s it like swimming in a tail?
I have two tails currently. The first one is made of stretch vinyl and was equipped with two swim fins. I had been VERY sick prior to that and was quite nervous about trying to swim in it. I started big – with a lake! But was a bit of a wimp so believe it or not I put on the tail AND a life jacket ha! I pushed myself off the dock and had a mini heart attack as the tail filled with water. It wasn’t long before I got the hang of it but it didn’t look like what I’d seen online and didn’t feel like how I expected it to. Mostly I just swam using my arms dragging the tail behind me. It was great for photos but really shows the difference material and a monofin can make. My next tail was a Mertailor tail [read this blog’s interview with the Mertailor here] that was the result of a lot of financial donations from other artists.  I used my first tail as a practice tail and was eager to try out my mertailor one. What a job it was getting inside of it! I think I swam 3 times in it before I realized how to actually put my feet in the monofin. Unfortunately the tail didn’t fit and it would be almost a year before mermaid Raven of Merbellas was able to add an extension piece to it so that I didn’t end up swimming out of it. Once that was all together, after years of failed attempts, I went for my first real swim with a tail that worked and fit… and my mind was blown! It took a few sessions to get the dolphin kick down seeing as I’m from a climate that is only warm enough for outdoor swimming two months out of the year… but I’ve been practicing as much as I can in indoor pools and I’m excited to get it to the lakes and oceans this summer.

How do people react to you as a mermaid?
Before and after my tail “fin lift” as I call it, people were always amazed by how realistic it was. As I am not from a warm climate people have never ever seen anything like this before and they always do a double take. Adults behave like kids and run up to feel it without even introducing themselves and if I pull the “oh that tickles” trick on them they actually react as if they were embarrassed they tickled me. Children believe almost instantly and I rarely have any say ‘that’s not real’ and I think part of that is due to the Mertailor’s fluke design and the ability I have to move it in a wave motion through the monofin. It always positive and mostly shock!

I understand that you educate people about ocean related ecology issues. Can you tell me about this?
I am a student teacher and one of the things I do with Raina is work on ways to make connections to our local curriculum. Where I am from becoming a teacher takes two degrees and I am in my sixth year of university with one more to go so I’ve had a LOT of time to decide what I feel is important. On a local level we have the second biggest harbour in the world and it’s had raw sewage pumped into it for 100 years! We recently installed a treatment plant that broke shortly after and is hopefully back up and running for good. We do a lot to create a green environment on land and despite the city campaigns to raise awareness of the importance of not dumping things down the drains that lead to the harbour people really do have a mentality of “it’s not a big deal the sea will wash it away”.  This is a mindset I really want to break. In addition as the East Coast of Canada is central with fishing and so much livelihood is based around it I think it’s essential people understand the devastation that can be caused to the sea and our way of life from over fishing and inappropriate fish farms. Everything comes back to the ocean. Everything originates from the ocean. People need to understand that cycle and respect the balance. It’s easy to ignore an add on TV or a sign on the street… it’s not easy to ignore a beautiful mermaid begging you to take care of her home!

Is there any kind of mermaid tradition in Halifax, where you live?
Halifax is a sea faring community. We have graves here from Titanic victims, ghost stories of pirates and rum runners and the occasional story of mers through legends and literature. Every year Halifax adopts an icon of sorts that local artist’s paint. The icons are then placed around the city during peak tourist season and afterward auctioned off for charity. We’ve featured dolphins, lobsters, and my favourite: mermaids!  We have a Mermaid Theatre, bars with mermaid imagery, and a Mermaid and the Cow campground!

And finally, what advice do you have for aspiring mermaids?
Start with a practice tail that has a monofin. It’ll be less expensive and let you figure out of it’s something worth investing in. Don’t concentrate so much on trying to stay underwater forever (I have a small lung capacity so I cant) and doing the tricks you see other lovely mers do… recognize they took years to get that way and access to tails 24/7. Start small and allow yourself to grow. It takes time to discover your mermaid identity.  Remember to flow like the waves and allow the tide to wash old things away and bring in new things for your experiences and personality. Don’t just pretend to be the mermaid… BE the mermaid. 🙂

So as you may know, the Magnetic Fields are one of the best bands in existence. I mean listen:

I know. A love letter to Billie Holiday! And that somber, somber voice! I would dazzle you with more samples but I don’t want to overwhelm you with that plus what  follows. Instead I will tell you how I knew that there were occasional  random mermaid references in Magnetic Fields’ songs, and then discovered that Stephin Merritt did a whole album of songs to accompany a show based on Hans Christian Andersen’s fairy tales. It’s called My Life as a Fairy Tale, after Hans’ own autobiography. Songs like “The Ballad of the Snow Queen” and “The Little Maiden of the Sea.” That is when I knew for sure something I had long suspected: that Stephin Merritt is my one true love. Except for the whole him-being-gay part.

Look at these lyrics:

the little maiden of the sea
was not at all like you and me
where we have legs she was a fish
and she could only say:

“I wish…
I wish I were not incomplete
I wish I had some dainty feet,”

you see, one day she’d met a prince
and she’d been pining ever since
(the little maiden of the sea)

she’d gain her own immortal soul
if she became the prince’s wife
she autovivisected
whole, she walked! each step was like a knife
a knife into her dainty feet
and she could neither speak nor sing
but surely, now she was complete
her prince would think of marrying
the little maiden of the sea

he married someone else, of course
and, saying nothing, she went home
then something turned, by mystic force
the little maiden into foam

I know. You can buy My Life as a Fairy Tale here.

So of course I emailed Stephin Merritt and bandmate Claudia Gonson and asked many, many penetrating and mermaidly questions. Their answers follow.

Admit that this is the coolest interview ever.

STEPHIN

You’ve mentioned how mermaids are much more common in folk songs than pop songs. Why do you think this is?
Well, pop lyrics are generally bland, rhythmic and repetitive, intended only to make a drumbeat seem meaningful, and rarely involve characters, let alone stories. Whereas folk songs, which are usually presented with paltry instrumentation and no production to speak of, naturally turn to character and story to keep the listener engaged.

In a pop song, if you sing “I love you and your pretty tail,” you may be limiting your audience in unintended ways without actually evoking the mermaid you meant.

Hans Christian Andersen’s little mermaid story is so dark, so sad, so strange. Had you been familiar with the story before approaching it for “My Life as a Fairy Tale”? What do you think of the story – and of Hans Christian Andersen generally?
I first read Andersen in college alongside the Grimms and Aesop, in which context he did not seem especially dark or strange, but definitely sad, since he so clearly identifies with the profound isolation of his protagonists, particularly heroines. Adults who have not read him tend to think of him as a teller of sweet little tales for children, but he’s actually closer to Kafka, and often Poe, than to Beatrix Potter. At least half his stories, including all the famous ones, are bitterly tragic. His little mermaid mutilates her body, becomes mute, and cross-dresses for the prince who marries someone else, whereupon she returns to the sea, and is so sad she is transmuted into foam, and then into a sort of wisp in purgatory, where if she flies into your room and you are naughty, her time of labor is increased.

It seems to me like the little mermaid story (and in fact most of HCA’s stories) very much resonates with your themes of loneliness and alienation and sadness, etc. How did you find yourself connecting to these stories and themes (if you did)?
I’d say it’s a gay thing. Apparently Andersen began writing the story the day after his best friend got married.

“Better Things” seems like it could have come from a Hans Christian Andersen fairytale, too. Can you talk about this song a little?
“I was made for better things, dearie,” seems like the sort of thing a fishwife would say. I was picturing a dowdy, cantankerous mermaid complaining about the weather to someone, maybe a little human girl she has taken to her little rocky outcropping, not understanding the girl is dead. That sort of thing.

How would you explain the allure of mermaids generally? Are you yourself susceptible to this allure?
I think straight men like the idea of women with all the knockers and none of the complicated parts. I can’t think of any mythical creature with the opposite way round. Personally I’m not into the knockers either, so it’s all about the outfits. But I’m very fond of Aquaman. Undersea humanoids have the best hair.
—
Ciao
SM

CLAUDIA

I read somewhere that you pretended to be Polynesian mermaid goddess when experimenting with sounds for Eternal Youth. And I was wondering – what do Polynesian mermaid goddesses sound like? And how do you make that sound?
I guess like a siren would sound? Clear, enchanting, sad, watery.

When Stephin first met me I had an unfortunate tic of trying to sing like David Bowie. I had this strong wobbly vibrato. He instantly set to work to get me to sing with as little affect as possible, with a clear, bell-like tone. Like, Astrud Gilberto. I suppose that is the Polynesian mermaid goddess sound. Also, I should say, as 20-somethings we traveled around the country obsessively searching for tiki bars, and visiting a good number. Sadly, most are torn down now. So, it wasn’t that I was trying to sound particularly like a Polynesian mermaid goddess, whatever that would be, but more that I was getting into the spirit of one, which was our tiki bar fantasy. This gave me some sort of inspiration, to do some sort of vocal thing.

Are mermaids a source of inspiration to you?
No, I wouldn’t say mermaids per se, although I do love Tiki Bars (which sometimes have mermaidy themes), and I’m obsessed with the Coney Island Mermaid Parade, which I dutifully attend every year. The Mermaid Parade is my idea of heaven. Mostly because it’s such a hilarious sociological scene, literally everyone is there and it’s very odd how they are all mixed together- cool Manhattan/Williamsburg hipsters, crazy old beach bums, old Italian macho dudes, gay party boys and girls, families with little kids dressed in mermaid clothes, gangsta rappers… you name it. I find it completely chaotic and hilarious. It would never work in Manhattan; It’s too weirdly geeky. The way they are all parading around dressed like mermaids.

What is your take is on Hans Christian Andersen’s little mermaid – and on Stephin’s take on it? =) Had you long been familiar with this story, and/or were you surprised by how weird and dark it is?
Eep- Not prepared. I defer to Stephin’s very astute reading. But, yes, I am always surprised by the late 19th century/early 20th century’s darkness when it comes to fairy tales, even Mother Goose. They were, I suppose, meant to be learning lessons for little people with burgeoning (yet still sublimated) sexuality. And Freud was just around the corner.

How would you explain the allure of mermaids generally? Are you yourself susceptible to this allure?
Actually I find the whole mermaid mythology a bit hard to swallow sometimes. It’s a feminist thing. Often the stories are about lack of empowerment, and seem to fuel some sort of sex fantasy – there’s this helpless gorgeous half-naked fish, who is trapped outside of the ocean and the handsome dude must save her. etc. In fact recently I stumbled across an irritating YouTube video in which the band dude finds a mermaid in a cave and rescues her and puts her back into the sea. Of course she’s helpless, gorgeous, and elusive. She won’t hold you down because she has to go. The perfect chick.

Have you ever secretly suspected you might have some mermaid in you?
Um Um Um. Well, I had really long hair for the first quarter century of my life. Does that count? No, actually I don’t really have the mermaid spirit I don’t think. My spirit animal is the otter. I see myself as having whiskers and being kind of thick and full of nice protective blubber and lying around on my back in the ocean, bobbing about, eating oysters while drifting along. That said, I do have a mad passion for the ocean. I can stay in it for hours and am an obsessive floater. Once in my youth I fell asleep floating in the ocean and woke up a mile down the beach, to find a row of very concerned people standing at the shore, staring at me. My favorite thing, which is quite mermaidy, is to swim just beyond the breakers to the place where the waves are very powerful but not quite crashing, then pretend I am seaweed and let the waves pull me down under and tumble me around so that I don’t know whether I am right side up or upside down. So, in a way, I am a very oceanic person, like a mermaid. But I suppose I see myself more like seaweed, or an otter. I don’t feel so girly. Nor so naked.

Do you have any advice for aspiring mermaids (vocally and otherwise)?
Green sparkly body paint. Seaweed wig. And when the dude comes to save you, tell him to take a hike. It’s better in the ocean.

So I’m sure you remember Nick Verreos from the best show on television, Project Runway (starring the inimitable Tim Gunn, whose own mermaidly interview you can read here), back in its second season, the season after the one in which Austin Scarlett was robbed and the very same one that Santino was on and Chloe Dao won. Nick, of course, was the dapper and erudite designer who amongst other things won the Barbie competition by making her a fabulous pink mermaid gown and has returned since to comment on other seasons. He continues to teach at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising in Los Angeles and to design his fashion line NIKOLAKI and to write and appear on television commenting about red-carpet fashion, like on E! and TV Guide and Soapnet.  So he seemed a perfect person to talk to about mermaidly fashion.

But first, look at that stylin Barbie:

So are mermaids a new trend on the red carpet?
Yes!!! Well, in actuality, this is not a “new” trend; This silhouette has been hot for several seasons now – but it has just gained “red carpet” momentum as of late.

What do you think accounts for the popularity of the mermaid look?
I think that what accounts for the popularity of the Mermaid look and shape is how flattering it is for a lot of women’s shapes. If you are a no-hip girl, this shape ca give you hips by accentuating that area and especially when it becomes much fuller at the bottom.

At the other end of the spectrum, if you are a “fuller hip” gal, this can really you a “Va-Va-Boom” figure – a la Kim Kardashian. I also think since we have been going through season after season of great red carpet “Old Hollywood Glamour” looks, the Mermaid Shape and Style really harks back to those days of Rita Hayworth and Grace Kelly and those gorgeous 1950’s gowns when that silhouette was popularized.

NIKOLAKI gown from spring 2011

Do you have any favorite mermaid designs?
Mine of course!! Anything from my NIKOLAKI Collection that features a Mermaid shape is my favorite! I also loved all those late 40’s-early 50’s designs by the Fashion Designer Genius of Christian Dior and Cristobal Balenciaga. Also, for some reason, the Latino designers such as Carolina Herrera and Oscar de la Renta can create excellent Mermaid-shaped designs. I don’t think it is by coincidence.

What about celebrities who favor this look; do any pull it off particularly well?
Well, let’s see, I definitely think someone like Kim Kardashian (I know, I may be using the term “celebrity” a bit loosely with her!), I think she can pull it off; her body shape is made for the Mermaid Shape. I also think of Eva Longoria. She has given a “Mermaid” look on the red carpet and done it very well. I can also think of the younger stars like “Glee’s” Lea Michelle–she wore an Oscar de la Renta “Mermaid” design and looked fabulous!

If you could make a mermaid dress for one star this year, who would it be?
I think it would be Penelope Cruz or Annette Benning. For Penelope, I would love to create a gown that payed homage to her Spanish roots yet not make her look like a Flamenco dancer at a dinner-and-show Madrid Theater! And for Ms. Benning, I would love to see her in a statement-making mermaid shaped gown that would highlight her status as Hollywood “royalty”.

Do you yourself have a penchant for mermaids – if so, how do you explain their appeal?
I think I do have a special penchant for mermaids. Their ultra feminine, sexy yet elegant and still powerful. These are all the qualities that I perceive my ideal NIKOLAKI woman to have.

The “Mermaid appeal” is the fact that they are sexy yet strong. These are qualities woman like to have (at least I think so) and men love – even gay men!

How can regular human ladies add mermaid allure to their looks?
A tight fitted pencil skirt with barely a center back hem slit – ending at the knee or slightly above it – add some 5″ pumps , a slow yet determined walk, and voila: You can be a Mermaid at the office!!! Regular human ladies can add “Mermaid Allure” by simple wearing tighter fitting clothing, walking slowly and having a covert sexuality about them.

What about mermen?
Ha! I sometimes consider myself the male version of a Mermaid when I am wearing very tight skinny pants/jeans and by YSL Johnny Boots and a fitted jacket. This ensemble gives me a confidence and slow-paced strut that yes, sometimes I feel like I have tail fins I could flap!

Do you have any other advice for aspiring mermaids?
Own your strength and sexuality and be confident of yourself. Don’t be afraid to bring out the Glamorous in you every now and then–and oh…learn how to swim!!!! And do it with Style!

Bonus: Here are some of mermaid gowns Nick admires…

from Balenciaga in a 1951 issue of Vogue

to two Dior gowns from 2004

and an Oscar de la Renta gown from 2008, worn on the red carpet by Penelope Cruz:

and a Carolina Herrera gown worn on the red carpet by January Jones

And here are some more of his own designs:

Ain’t they beauteous?

First off, here are some gorgeous photos from the Under the Sea: Mermaids, Sirens, and Fishy Friends mermaid burlesque event discussed here, courtesy of Amber Gregory Photography. Aren’t they so lovely?

Second, yours truly is in the midst of a mini Midwest Mermaid tour, as one often is, and last week stopped for a night in Des Moines, where my cousin Joe and his wife Cindy presented me with the following MERMAID CAKE, which I felt it was my obligation to share.

And finally, I must announce the **WINNERS** of the St. Patty’s Day contest written about by the wily Ms. Jeanine Cummins last week. Because we have huge hot bleeding hearts (well I do, Jeanine Cummins is rather heartless) we have elected TWO of you to receive free signed books from the both of us. These winners are Ms. Mary Yetta Alexander and Ms. Maripat/Luna Doyle Oberg, who rhymed, and who doesn’t enjoy a good rhyme? Congratulations to these two LUCKY LUCKY ladies!

Oh AND: Jeanine and I will be reading together this Wednesday eve at Left Bank Books in Saint Louis, and this Thursday eve at St. Charles Library in St. Charles, Missouri….

Better start driving!

So Molly Crabapple is a doe-eyed burlesque artiste and bona fide mogul who has a deep love of mermaids and other swirly things. She is also the founder of Dr. Sketchy’s Anti-Art School, which is where ne’er-do-wells in over 100 cities now around the world gather to draw burlesque girls and wreak general havoc. You know how artists are. She even drew all the lovely trellis illustrations for yours truly’s website! Look at one example! So the page is totally out of date, so what. Anyway, Molly’s art is gorgeous and colorful and fantastical and old-timey and futuristic all at once, and to see more you should go visit her website immediately.

In the mean time, here is our mermaid Q and A.

Are you a fan of mermaids?
I am. When I was a little girl I had a number of picture books of mermaids and sea babies, and the swirling tails and hair played into my love of a good S curve.

What do you think the allure of mermaids is?
Mermaids are beautiful on the surface, lethal in a relationship, slightly revolting when you think about it, and damn fun to draw.

Can you tell me about the mermaid-themed window display you did for Atrium?
One of my favorite images is a mermaid and a reverse mermaid (the mermaid’s slutty but none-too-attractive mirror image) kissing, their bodies forming a heart shape. I made it into a t-shirt design for Dirtee Hollywood. When we had a launch party in NYC for my t-shirt line, we had larger than life sized mermaids and reverse mermaids capering in the windows.

How do you feel about drawing mermaids versus regular humans… and do you have any advice for aspiring mermaid artistes?
I enjoy drawing mermaids because with the tail, there’s epic more swirly.

Mermaid artists should study fish anatomy (including the super weird deep sea beasties) so that their mermaids are based in veracity rather than cliche. Also, it would be fun to draw non-European mermaids. Mermaids, after all, swim in international waters.

I understand that you recently collaborated on a dead mermaid installation for a fabulous Manhattan soiree. Can you tell me about that?
Cynthia von Buhler is a dear friend and formative corruptor of mine, as well as a hostess of legendary parties. We collaborated on an installation where dozens of girls posed as mermaids killed in the BP oil slick. Cynthia, in a gorgeous latex tail, posed in a bathtub as the one mermaid who had been cleaned and released into the wild. The room was also flanked by two of my life-sized mermaid drawings.

Have you ever incorporated mermaids or mermaid themes into a Dr. Sketchy’s event?
We had Allison of Rocklove Jewelry posing as a Celtic sea witch, with three handsome shirtless lads as her drowned sailors.

Do you have any final bits of mermaid knowledge, or advice, to impart?
First person who does an Anglerfish inspired mermaid gets a kiss from Moi.

So Timothy Schaffert is one of the most gorgeous writers I know, and recently published a story called “The Mermaid in the Tree” in the fairy tale collection My Mother She Killed Me, My Father He Ate Me. It’s a ridiculously good story, even obnoxiously so (if you’re  writer, like me, and a mermaid writer to boot). Just look at the opening:

Desiree the child bride, and her sister Miranda, had gone grave-robbing for a wedding gown. In the north end of the cemetery, among the palatial mausoleums with their broken windows of stained glass where the ivy crept in, was the resting place of a young woman who’d been murdered at the altar while reciting her marital vows. The decaying tombstone, among the cemetery’s most envied, was a limestone bride in despair, shoulders as slumped as a mule’s, a bouquet of lilies strewn at her feet. Though her murder, by her groom’s jealous mother, had been long in the past, everyone knew that her father had had her buried in her gown of lace and silk.

“Can you believe we’re the only ones to have ever thought of this?” Miranda said, her knuckles bloodied from shoveling dirt, as she undid the delicate whalebone buttons lining the back of the skeleton’s dress.

I know. Timothy is amazing, and he has a new novel, The Coffins of Little Hope, coming out next month. Plus this very eve he is hosting a mermaid party for yours truly, after my Mermaid reading at the Oakview B&N in Omaha, and said party will feature mermaid art by Wendy Bantam, inspired by “The Mermaid in the Tree.”

I know, I would be jealous, too.

Luckily for you, Timothy has graciously written a guest piece for this blog about mermaids and the important topic of mermaid corpse preservation.

I hope you will find the following as enlightening as I do:

Mermaid Construction
by Timothy Schaffert

Though I grew up in the landlocked Midwest, I feared drowning. I failed my swimming classes at the municipal pool and had nightmares about being swept out to sea. But I think my aquaphobia contributed to my fascination with mermaids.

In considering how a mermaid corpse might best be preserved for a barbaric mermaid parade in a beach resort town (for my short story “The Mermaid in the Tree”), I consulted some articles on arts preservation and perishable materials. The mermaids would be bled, I concluded, and pumped with wax and plastic. Their skin would be enlivened with a dye concocted from boiled beets, syringed just beneath the flesh.

As a culture, we’ve addressed our mermaid curiosity in various ways. The hoax-stompers among us have dismissed mermaid sightings as the hallucinations of seasick sailors, or to the personable nature of sea cows. Others of us, with the passion of necrophiliacs, have patched together mermaid mummies from monkey skulls and monstrous cod. With this in mind, I offer here mermaid blueprints and recipes.

A writer for the New-York Mirror and Ladies’ Literary Gazette in 1824 questions the plausibility of a local mermaid attraction: “If the skin of a large cod-fish stuffed, with a skeleton of a child’s body put on in the place of the cod’s head, the jaws and teeth of a cat inserted into that which represents the head of the child, and the whole, except the scaly part enveloped in a bladder, or some other skinny substance, and smoked well with burning camphor, can make a Mermaid, then as sure as fish is a fish, or as certainly as Dr. Mitchill is a great philosopher and no witch, there is a Mermaid now to be seen in the room adjoining the New-England Museum, Court-street—where may be seen a great many curiosities for the small sum of twenty-five cents.”

Francis T. Buckland writes of the various mermaid stiffs he’s encountered, in his book Curiosities of Natural History, published in 1868. One mermaid he details as having fingernails “formed of little bits of ivory or bone,” and he cheekily offers fashion advice: “The coiffeur is submarine, and undoubtedly not Parisian: it would, in fact, be none the worse for a touch of the brush and comb.” But another mermaid, “one of the best I ever saw…was about 3 ft long; the body was made (probably) of papier mache, for I have dissected a mermaid. The tail was a hake’s skin with the head cut off, the gill-part joined on to the mermaid’s body. The teeth of the hake had been transferred to the mouth of the mermaid, and a pretty object she was lying in state in her glass case.”

Tid-Bits, a weekly magazine published in New York, featured this confessional from a mermaid manufacturer in 1886:  “I had the skeleton of an Indian child that was taken from a grave in Georgia and evidently very old, and I selected this as the foundation, using it from the waist upward. There were no teeth in the skull, so I inserted some teeth that I obtained from a large fish, and over this I drew the skin of an Indian that I had obtained from South America—perhaps you have seen them; the head is cut off, dried and reduced in size considerably. A little way below the armpits I began to put on scales, commencing with small ones and making them larger and larger until the waist was reached. Of course I had to join the fish’s tale here, which I did in a way that would have puzzled anyone. Some of the leg-bones were left, but they looked as though they had become stunted from disease, and I joined the vertebrae of the fish so skillfully and gradually that they actually seemed to grow into each other. … I soaked it in very salt water, so that the microscope showed salt in all its crevices. A few little pieces of sea-weed, of a kind common in the China Sea, were put in the hair, and a dozen or so very small barnacles stuck on, and it was a masterpiece, if there ever was one.” The mermaid manufacturer doctored an affidavit that indicated that a sailor had killed the mermaid with a knife in Hong Kong. “After this I made a number of mermaids; where they are now I don’t know. But they have rather gone out of fashion.”

In an article about taxidermy, published in Popular Science in 1934, the phenomenon of mermaid design is discussed. A taxidermist reveals one particular mermaid as “the lower part of a large codfish, and the upper part of a lady monkey” mounted and sewn together. He “crowned her head with long, wavy locks made from a horse’s tail. To give her a beautiful face and other finishing touches, he called in Carl Rungeus, well-known animal painter. Then he put the finished product in a glass case, garnished with seashells.”

The construction of a more glamorous, less carcass-ridden mermaid is documented in photographs in a 1948 issue of Life, in promotion of the movie Mr. Peabody and the Mermaid, starring Ann Blyth: “The most ambitious make-up job ever to be performed on the nether extremities of an actress turned up in Hollywood last month… [make-up artist Bud Westmore] made a mold directly from the Blyth body and filled it with plaster. Then he encased the resulting model in rubber and carved the tail. Although eyewitness descriptions of a mermaid’s physique are both scanty and conflicting, the combination of Miss Blyth’s torso and Mr. Westmore’s tail certainly looks like the genuine article. It should. First budged at $500, the tail’s final cost was $18,000.”

So Dana Marie Richardson is a professional mermaid who lives in Hawaii and free dives with scary sea creatures and poses seductively upon rocks and beaches in a gorgeous tail while her long flaxen locks blow in the wind. She also teaches mermaid swim school to aspiring mermaids and educates humans generally about ocean life and conservation. See for yourself, but be warned: you may get very jealous:

My Q and A with Dana follows. Here is another interview with her, though, in case you’re the never-satisfied type who always wants more.

by Misha photography

How long have you been a mermaid?
I’ve been a mermaid my whole life, always having been more comfortable underwater than on land. Born in the desert, I was a fish out of water, spending all my days in the pool dreaming of communicating with whales and dolphins in the sea and pretending I was a real mermaid. The ocean called to me and I moved to California as soon as I could. My next journey took me to Hawaii where I’ve lived for the last nine years free diving with dolphins daily and travelling worldwide to swim with and photograph whales and dolphins. Being completely at home under the sea I can free dive ninety feet and have swam with many species of dolphins, whales, sharks, rays, whalesharks, and more! Although, I have yet to encounter a giant squid! I have great respect for the ocean and all sea life and feel completely at home swimming with sixty-foot whales ~ that is where I feel most at peace.

What inspired you to make your first mermaid tail?
I made my first mermaid tail when I was around seven years old using dive rings, fabric, and fins and would spend hours practicing swimming and holding my breath underwater. I was inspired to make my first grown-up mermaid tail by a desire to take my love for the ocean to another level and share that with others. Seeing other mermaids worldwide who are able to pursue their dreams professionally as mermaids also helped me decide to complete my dream and grow a tail! The experiences I’ve had here in the ocean have helped me to see that anything is possible when we step into the flow of life. I started my first adult mermaid tail 3 years ago and have since created 4 with another on the way. The biggest inspiration of all for me is the ocean, dolphins, whales, and all the beauty and magic of the sea. I’ve found a way that I can share that with both kids and adults and inspire others to not only love the ocean, but also to follow their hearts and live their dreams!

What is “mermaiding”?
I love telling children that a Real Mermaid is someone who loves the ocean with all their heart soul, and who feels at home in the sea. The mermaid speaks up for the sea on land because she is connected to both land and sea. Mermaiding is fulfilling all of that by being a mermaid! Swimming, respecting and communicating with sea life, playing and filling the land world with undersea magic!*

Can you tell me about your mermaid school?
The mermaid school I teach is for all ages and swim levels. Open to anyone who has a desire to swim and feel like a mermaid!  Monofins, mermaid costumes, and tails are available for people to try underwater. I teach the undulations style of swimming which is much like a whale or dolphin kick, starting with the nose and rolling throughout the body to the tail. We have so much fun and a photographer comes to document the experience and each student leaves with a mermaid swim certificate.

photo by Rusty Orr

How do people respond, when attending your classes and putting on tails for the first time, etc.?
I love seeing how people respond! Some are nervous and excited, but always end up feeling so playful when putting the tail on and practicing the mermaid swim for the first time. I think for both children and adults it helps bring the fantasy to life and also really helps them feel more comfortable and playful in the water. I’ve had people that were not good swimmers, who became super comfortable at once and left with a new desire that anything in life is possible and went off to buy their own mermaid tails to swim in!

How do you describe the appeal of mermaids?
Mermaids are magical, in tune with the sea and rhythm of the ocean, communicating with dolphins and whales, spending time on land, yet always feeling that call back to the sea.. . The ocean and water is also very healing and peaceful, a place where time stops and really a whole other world unfolds. There is still so much that is unknown about the ocean, it’s been said that we know more about Mars, which leaves that mystery to lure us in.

photo by Lisa Denning

I understand you do a lot in the way of education and ocean conservation, etc. Can you tell me about that?
My passion has always been for the ocean and a love for sea life, dolphins and whales in particular. I became a Marine Mammal Naturalist, boat captain, and underwater photographer to be in the sea environment daily and also to educate others. I also participate in whale and dolphin research here in Hawaii. I love educating about marine life, but I also carry a conservation message that what we do to the land affects the sea and what we do to the sea affects us greatly here on land. Without the ocean, we can’t survive, and as a mermaid I bring the ultimate connection from humans to fish. When I take people to whale and dolphin watch, it’s very important to educate about them as a species and also how to be respectful to them while swimming in their home, the ocean. I’ve been so blessed to know many of the dolphins by name here in Kona from swimming with them daily. While swimming in the South Pacific and having those humpback whales come over to swim eye to eye is such  an amazing experience and it’s so important to me to share how to interact with sea life in a way that they will want to grace us with their presence. Each experience in the ocean is completely different and always has something to teach us if we listen. Through my ocean photography and as a mermaid, my goal is to carry the message of the beauty and magic of the sea to land. Also to let people know the ocean is in distress and how we can help by spreading awareness, picking up trash, recycling, and much more! My hope is that a love for the sea will spread and mermaids will come to life everywhere speaking up for our oceans!

Do you have any favorite mermaid mentors/art/film/books/etc.?
My favorite mermaid story is about a Persian mermaid named Julinar of the Sea. I’ve also had a coffee table book called ‘Mermaids Nymphs of the Sea” book I’ve cherished for years! I’ve been drawn to beautiful mermaid art and stories all my life. Rell Sunn has been one of my idols growing up ~ as to me, even though she never had a tail, she was the ultimate real life mermaid and her love for the ocean spread everywhere she went. Of course I loved movies like The Little Mermaid as a child and Splash.. . more recently, the animated movie, Ponyo is fun to watch. I believe Hannah Fraser is an icon as a professional working mermaid as she has accomplished so much on land and sea. There are so many mermaids worldwide and what’s so beautiful is that we are all very unique in what we do, yet share a common love for the sea. ~

And finally, do you have any advice for aspiring mermaids?
Follow your heart, live your dreams, love the sea, and happy mermaiding!!!

Love,
Dana Mermaid

Today this blog has been taken over by Irish Ne-er-Do-Well Jeanine Cummins, who has managed to author two books (A Rip in Heaven and The Outside Boy) and have two children in the midst of her general from-across-the-gloomy-sea unruliness, which is only exacerbated on days like today. Her no-doubt sinister post about Irishness and mermaids follows. With love and apologies, Carolyn

(Don't let her wholesome good looks deceive you. Helpfully yours, Carolyn )

There is a “famous Irish” saying (used almost exclusively by American east coast morning newscasters) that: Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day! Seriously – watch Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira this morning.  Take a shot of Jameson every time they say it.  You’ll be drunk by nine a.m.  So, in the spirit of that somewhat ridiculous sentiment, and because I don’t like to discriminate, I propose that mermaids, too, are Irish on St. Patrick’s Day.  I invite you to join me – today only! – at I am a McMermaid dot com.  Resident Mermaid Expert Carolyn Turgeon is off somewhere, wearing shamrock deely-boppers and drinking green beer by the truckload.  Meanwhile, I’m Jeanine and I’ll be your substitute teacher.

POP QUIZ TIME.  Get out your notebooks. Don’t be nervous. Just answer the questions to the best of your ability. Whoever gets the most right (or leaves the best comment) will win a *REAL IRISH MERMAID!* (while supplies last). Alternate prize: a signed copy of Mermaid and a signed copy of my novel, The Outside Boy. Let’s begin.

1.      Q:  True or False: St. Patrick was actually a mermaid.

A:  The answer is “C”- no one really knows for certain. I mean, I feel it’s unlikely that he was a mermaid, but I don’t like to give a definitive FALSE, because honestly, all things are possible with God.

2.      Q:  The Irish word for mermaid is:

a.       Mermaid (duh!)
b.      McMermaid
c.       Merrow
d.      Mary

A:  The answer is “C” – merrow, which comes from the Irish words “muir” for “sea” +“oigh” meaning “maid.”

3.      Q:  In William Butler Yeats’ “The Lady of Gollerus,” what color is the merrow’s hair?

a.      Red.  Just like Disney’s Ariel, of course.
b.      Red.  I mean, she is Irish, right?
c.      Red.  The color of flame.  For poetic juxtaposition and stuff.
d.      Sea-green.

A.   The answer is “D” – “a beautiful young creature combing her hair, which was of a sea-green colour; and now the salt water shining on it appeared, in the morning light, like the melted butter upon cabbage.” If you read only one William Butler Yeats story about mermaids this Paddy’s day, make it this one. It’s gorgeous and funny and very short.

4.      Q:  In Irish mythology, the merrow has a magical article of clothing that allows her to breathe underwater. If a human man steals and hides this article from the merrow, then she has no choice but to remain ashore with him. Is the article:

a.      A clamshell necklace
b.      A little red cap
c.      A seahorse bellybutton ring
d.      Sequined nipple-tassels

A:  The answer is “B” – a little red cap. I know, weird, right?

5.      According to the The Annals of the Four Masters, which is a real-life ancient text on the history of medieval Ireland, in the year 887, and giant mermaid washed up on Celtic shores. She measured 195 tall, and her hair was 18 feet long. What length were her fingers?

a.       7 feet
b.      12 feet
c.       17 feet
d.      21 feet

A:  The answer is “A” – seven feet, but this account is obviously flawed. How could all of her fingers be the same length? What was she, some kind of freak?

Okay, you can put your notebooks away. You all did very well. You may have noticed that I actually gave you the answers as we went along. So whoever leaves the most astute and insightful comment (as judged by Ms. Turgeon and myself) will win the prize.

I leave you with this: last night, my three-year-old daughter dreamed of a swing made from a purple seashell. I feel like that’s pretty reliable evidence for the existence of Irish mermaids. As if you needed convincing.

So this Saturday night, if you’re lucky enough to be in Berkeley, California (which is not a phrase yours truly would normally say), you can see you some mermaid burlesque, which might change your life. When I saw the poster at left on Ms. Dottie Lux‘s Facebook page, my heart cracked at my own great loss, but swelled for your gain. I’ve seen Dottie perform a couple times, and most memorably as part of a big burlesque gathering in New Orleans some years back, where she managed to be as hilarious as she was sexy and did something involving stuffing herself with various eats, as I recall, that had the whole audience in tears.

So this Saturday, March 19, go to Shattuck Down Low at 7:30pm in Berkeley and see Dottie, and many others, at their mermaidly best.

My illuminating Q and A with Dottie follows.

So I understand you are doing some piscatorial burlesque in the near future. What IS piscatorial burlesque?
We are celebrating a number of Pisces burlesque birthdays this month so we thought it would be a perfect time to gather all our fishy friends to put on a show! Piscatorial is just that…..fishy!

The event is called Under the Sea: Mermaids, Sirens, and Fishy Friends. What is the difference between the three?
You know, it’s The SF Bay Area you don’t want to assume anyone’s fish-identity, better to be inclusive. All are welcome.

Have you performed as a mermaid before?
I have, several times. I’ve been a fan and participant of the Mermaid Parade more years than I’ve been merforming merlesque. But the sea has always played a huge part in my life and my art is just a reflection of that.

I understand there will be sea creature models as well. What kind of sea creatures? Do you think they will secretly envy you and your fellow mermaids (that is, if you are a mermaid)?
Yes total mermaid here (and clownfish but that’s another story) and how could you not secretly (or not so secretly) be jealous of a mermaid? Our creature models are sea-loving and since La Mar is so angry right now, she needs our love more than ever. I don’t want to give away the surprise…promise to post photos!

Can you describe some of the acts, including your own, for those of us unfortunate enough to not be in San Francisco on March 19th?
We have tap dancing jellyfish, beach babes, a huge lobster, mermaids galore, sailors and that’s just to name a few. Oooooh and maybe a tour! I do hope to be able to say “coming to a sea near you” one day!

What is a mer-garita (which will be served at the event?
Why just the most delicious drink of all. Extra salty with a strong tequila shake down. I will smell it and be drunk. I’m sure you would do much better.

What do you think is the appeal of mermaids anyway – for you personally, and in general?
They are perfect pristine and powerful. The beauty of a mermaid has spoken to me since the first time I saw the ocean. I’m a Pisces and have a great connection to all things sea. When moving from Clinton Hill, Brooklyn, I promised myself I would live no more than 1 mile from the ocean and that I’d either move to Coney Island or Ocean Beach, SF, and I now look at the great Pacific every single morning!

Do you think there is a natural cross-over between mermaids and burlesque performers?
Burlesque performers and mermaids both are sexy, good-natured, fun, giving creatures… no wonder they’re friends.

And finally, do you have any advice for aspiring mermaids?
Be good to the Ocean. Do what you can to keep her clean and her creatures alive and well. Love the sea and she will love you back. Right now she needs our love most of all. Please check out all of the donation opportunities available for the Japanese Tsunami Relief.